My School Isn't Filled with Guidos... Well, Maybe it Is: Part 1

In the four (plus) years that I have attended Texas State, I have heard a myriad of attributions involving the reputation of my university. Some say, "you need a 6-pack and a pulse to get into to Texas State," or "I guess you couldn't get into a real school?" None of these statements come even close to the disappointing realization that my beloved school has been infested with the lowest common denominator of the party scene. Fist pumping, club fighting, gel haired guid-necks.

To hate the guido, one must understand the guido and delve into the arcane art of guidology. The word guido traces its roots to over a thousand years ago. It was originally a given surname popular to Italians. In the early 1900's  the word, guido, came to America, where it was used as a slang term that Nationalists used to let Italian immigrants know that the majority of Americans hated them.

Like any great racial epithet, the Italians began to own up to the guido name. By the late 1980's using guido amongst other guidos became socially acceptable, as long as you were Italian. However, the 1988 guido and the modern-day guido are vastly different. In a sense, the guido has evolved. Many scholars use "Bounce," a single by techno/house group MSTRKRFT as the great schism that knocked down the cultural boundaries of only allowing Italians to be guidos. Shortly after the release of "Bounce," in December of 2009, a cultural phenomenon took insecure short people by storm and gang-raped it's way across the nation. The critically acclaimed masterpiece, Jersey Shore debuted on MTV. A show about 5 Italians and 4 other people who think they are Italian that get drunk and make silly faces.

Due to the dominance of Jersey Shore, anyone can be a guido. You just have to be super macho. For example: going to a tanning bed (incredibly macho), taking a shit-load of time to do your hair (macho as hell), going to the gym with your bros and grunting (shit-macho), and finally wearing shirts with awesome designs all over them that were totally bad-ass when you were 12-years-old (macho-supreme).

Now, this was all good for me. Watching Jersey Shore was like watching a zoo special on Discovery Channel. New Jersey is over 2000 miles away from my beloved San Marcos. College life was simple and gel/spray tan-free. Then another schism erupted seemingly out of nowhere, energy beers. Energy beers come in all colorful shapes and form, they are now illegal. They are the number one cause of date-rape, colorful vomiting, and alcohol poisoning.

I was very apprehensive the first time I ever drank a Joose and the now legendary Four Loko. These bad ass concoctions are infused with caffeine and around 10% alcohol by volume, and every macho-dude knows that beer tastes like horse piss and takes entirely too long to get drunk off of. Thus, energy beers took hold in the college ranks.

Now the science, Four Loko + Short Guys x Techno Music / Spray Tans + Steroids = 1.35 Guido. Through spontaneous evolution (right ingredients in the right environment) a new group of people of subhuman crawled its way to the top of the Texas State and subsequently Austin bar scene (sorry about that one Austin).

This concludes Part 1. Next will be Part 2: Denial