Why Timothy Richard Tebow Makes Me Hate Jesus

I can remember in the not so distant past when being an elite quarterback meant that you were good at football. I can recall Phillip Rivers throwing for over 300 yards in a playoff game without an ACL. Hell, Brett Favre’s first action at Southern Miss was after a mighty bender causing him to throw-up on the sideline, and he still went out there and threw a pick six, like a badass.

Enter Tim Tebow, a young Filipino boy who managed to win two National Championships by lining up in the Shotgun and running the option. Now, I don’t by any means hate the kid, I just hate everyone who thinks that he is the second (or third) coming of Christ. He isn’t. I will tell you what he is: a below average scrambler, an even worse passer and above all, incredibly annoying. While I was on Spring Break octo-bonging tequila and wading knee-deep through loose women with low self-esteem, he was in the Philippines building churches and performing amateur surgery.

Building churches and helping minorities is in itself, a great act of valor, but get it off of ESPN. If I wanted to watch about other peoples’ good deeds I’ll watch Joel Olsteen on PBS at 3 in the morning.

Most importantly, Tim Tebow is a horrible NFL quarterback. He may be a “really great guy,” but so is that dude from Little People, Big World, and he would most likely be a subpar quarterback (don’t quote me on that). Tebow can’t complete a pass, and when he does, it’s a 3-yard check down pass that you learned to throw in the 5^th grade when you ran the ball 95% of the time.

Currently there are 33 quarterbacks in the NFL from last year that threw higher than 50% in the regular season. Tebow was not one of them. There were 27 quarterbacks who had a higher QBR than him. So, why in the hell do people want to wear a jersey of a shitty quarterback? I don’t see anyone wearing Jamarcus Russell jerseys (except of course Russell’s promethazine dealer, who basically got about half of Russell’s NFL salary) or David Carr jerseys, for the simple reason that they suck at what they get paid to do.

This great nation is actively supporting mediocrity, mediocrity promotes socialism, socialism promotes a shitty standard of living and shitty standard of living promotes terrorism. Thomas Jefferson would have bitch slapped this kid.