When George Strait wrote the fantastic coming of age tale of young love titled, "Check Yes or No," I believe he left out one very awkward and crucial aspect of the male maturation process. No, I am not speaking of getting kisses on the school bus from sweet ole' Emmylou, passing notes in class, or chasing your crush around the playground. I am speaking of an unfortunate and bizarre occurrence that every boy must inevitably confront, the Spontaneous Involuntary Erection, also known as the random boner or a S.U.B. (Sudden Unexpected Boner).
Let it be known that this article is purely scholastic. I decided to write this post as an educational tool in hope that females can be informed of the male oddities during youth. During a discussion amongst my peers about the turmoils of childhood, a female bystander inquired about the subject and was confused and repulsed, as we reminisced about the baseness and abnormality of the S.I.E. So for all of the ladies who are reading this, this one's for you, and hopefully we can clear up the fog, and let the rays of enlightenment shine through.
Now ladies, you may have always believed that the typical high school to college male to be the time frame in which males are at the height of their perversion. That assertion is completely incorrect. The peak maximum perversion would have to be elementary school all the way up to eighth grade and possibly ninth grade for some. During these eras of immorality comes the era of embarrassment.
Spontaneous erections are completely unprovoked and often come at very inconvenient times for all parties involved. Example:
Your Fifth Grade Geography teacher is lecturing on the different peninsulas of Europe and asks you (student who has been not paying attention to anything) to point out the Crimean Peninsula on the map at the front of class. Not only do you have no idea where the fuck the Crimean Peninsula is, but low and behold you have pitched a one man tent. You are now presented with three options: 1.) The Front Pocket Push-Down. 2.) The Alley-oop Belt Up-Tuck. (must be practiced at home) 3.) or the boldest of the three: The Willie Mays "Say Hey Kid." In which you proudly present your raging boner to the class (and avoid the embarrassment for your lack of Eastern European geography.)
The episodes can and will occur at the most unusual of places, most importantly 80% of the time they materialize due to non-sexual thoughts. In fact, they may present themselves as a cruel joke from a boy's subconscious at any given time. Below is a list of locations that S.I.E.'s love to make their debuts, feel free to add to increase amusement:
Church, Funerals, Birthday Parties, Picnics, Bar-B-Ques, Petsmart, Playing Tether-ball, Church Camp, Treadmills, Monster Truck Races, Silent Auctions, Pine Wood Derby Races, Christmas Shopping, Vacation Bible School, Community Service Events, Pumpkin Patches, Game Shows, Snowball/Sadie Hawkins Dances (possibly not an S.I.E.), Car Washes, Amusement Parks, Movie Theaters, English Class, Math Class, Science Class, Spanish Class, Theater Class, Computer Class, Music Class, History Class, Geography Class, Statistics Class and Class...
